Crises, chaos and confusion

Too much going on today. Too many crises. Too much chaos. Too much confusion. I sat over my morning coffee looking out the morning activity on Second Avenue in downtown Seattle — and lamented away as Mark listened.

I have brains. I have talents. I have a good education. And I’m hard working. But I can’t seem to pull it all together to navigate myself into a situation which is fully functional.

When I paused for a sip of coffee, Mark pointed out that perhaps a fully functional situation would have no need of me.

It might be that this is my given purpose in life… to occupy a space in a place were crises, chaos and confusion reign… so that the people can enjoy the crises, chaos and confusion… without getting hurt too badly. All I have to do is watch.

My mistake has been trying to rein it all in and make order from the chaos. I manage to pull it off up to a point — only to burn myself out — at which point people start to resent my having messed with their beloved chaos.

I haven’t burned out yet at my present job — but I’m starting to feel the chaos pushing back at me. Mark suggested I just let it have its way. When I engage with the chaos, although I do manage to contain it much of the time, it just pulls me further in — which is what it wants.

Leave it alone, Mark says. Sometimes people need crises, chaos and confusion.

– Alene


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